You stare into the void... the void stares back

[Milianna]

I don't think I tell many people this...

But... I guess I often fantasize about dying.

I don't see much value in my life. I genuinely don't. I feel as though I have always been born with a hole. A hole in my brain or something. I have always been depressed since I was a child. Struggled with significant self harm. Struggled with significant suicidal ideation since I was a child.

Medications have never helped for long.

I am plagued with chronic loneliness. Don't tell me to log off social media. I am a ghost in real life. It just... pains me to interact in person with people. It drains my energy. Makes me feel like less than. I just... I feel like I'm putting up a front around people. Like i have to act happy and energetic because that's what makes people happy and energetic. Being around a depressed person is the same as... being around a void.

I am not going to kill myself. I have no means. I am a coward who can't.

But I see very very very little in life. I see myself as someone that is meant to be... abused and used. I want to... I want to disappear. I want to disappear. I don't care if people believe that I have value. Men want me for sex. I know that's why people like my pictures. I know that's why people here in this community want me. I'm a girl.

Women like me as a whipping girl. Why else would my mother and sister do that to me? Women know I"m damaged and stay away. They run away. They know I'm bad. They think of me as weird. Unusual. Stupid. All these kinds of things.

Why should I see any value in myself? Why should I continue on when my body and mind are hurting. My body and mind are hurting and nothing helps me. I am tired of being told that I just need to sleep. That I just need to eat healthy. That I just need to exercise. I've done it all. It has never filled the void of loneliness. It has never solved my long standing self hatred. It has never made me feel... good long term.

Why do I keep fighting? I don't know. A part of me just wants to make a living selling my body. At least that's something that's real.

Don't tell me to go find a religion. Where has there been a God to find me? Where has there been a God who has told my parents and sister to give me mercy? Where was he to protect me from those older men? Where has he been?

So... I just fantasize. I wait. I don't mind if something bad happens to me. If it does, then I accept it. My friends can't fill the void. They have... scratched it.

It's just too much. It's too much for me. So... I choose to wait. I choose to live like an automaton and wait. I wait until the world finally takes my life and I welcome that day.

 

[CutestPaddedFemboy]

I was once like this. I made it through but what you do in there sticks with you. I was groomed growing up and I have hurt myself. this may sound really odd but maybe try watching A beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, It helped me some how, maybe it might help you.

What ever you do don't turn your back on life, no matter what kind. Yes there are real shitbags who abuse and control. Yes it can be dark and scary. But there are also the good people. Some people here are so kind and caring it amazing.

These are just words on an invisible system that no one can ever actually hold. but they can mean a lot. Just try to keep pushing, try to keep moving on. I had to, and I'm still here.

 

[Sealander]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Know that you are loved and cared about. You are not just meant to be used and abused.

I have been there. I have felt like my life was a waste. I have felt like I didn't deserve good things. I have thought about suicide and thank God I have never had the means at my disposal. It felt like there was no way forward and getting to a healthier frame of mind was impossible. I don't think there's a one-size-fits-all approach, but it is possible to go from feeling that way to having a positive perspective on life. If medication doesn't help, then challenging the way you think might.

 

[KBoy]

You are reaching out, good place to start.
I have lived with the darkness for what seems like forever.
Milianna how people treat us, the things that happen to us may be out of our hands. How we look at life is completely ours, what goes on within us is 100 percent under our control.
Keep your goals and hopes and dreams, "Yours" and don't give other people control of your happiness.
Good luck and if you want to talk further.....

 

[Lightstreak2553]

I don’t really have much to say in terms of getting better. What you have been going through for so long sounds like one of the worst experiences imaginable. I have gone through my own dark struggles the last few years, and though they are not like yours, they have made me very well acquainted with the void. The only thing that soothed me in this space was music. Something about hard rock snd metal just made it feel easier to scream into the void, if only to get my darkest emotions out. In that music I also found an artist, which I will try to link here, that speaks to so many different aspects of this pain.

He sings on self harm, suicidal ideation, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and just about anything else. Whether you just need something to help yell your pain into the void, or a reminder to that you are valid and need to keep living, their band has it. They use a good mix of both hard rock and some more traditional melodies, in case you aren’t into that sort of thing. The song I’m linking is more a mix of both ranges, but is mostly rock and is one of their more powerful songs about struggles like this.

This band has been a lifeline for me for a while now, and if you feel it will help you even just exercise the pain enough to get a mental breath, please give it a listen. There’s not much I can offer in hopeful terms that won’t sound too much like platitudes, but I hope this can help. If nothing else, staying alive does at least give you the chance to see things change. Until then, find stuff like this to let you scream into the void, if only to get the frustration out. Take care.

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[Rainbow]

First, if you're ever seriously considering suicide, the hotline is 988. Please don't hesitate to call, they only want to help you.

Second, I've known you for little while, and it has only been a little while.

I nearly ended my life this past fall. I made letters. I had a plan.

I went to the hospital, then to residential, then to transitional living. My odyssey is still not over. I'm going to a different residential program soon, one for OCD.

I can't tell you why I'm still alive today. I guess it's because I started to hope again. I started to hope that there was something out there for me. I began to hope that, somewhere, there is a special someone for me -- whether they be a friend or a lover doesn't matter. I began to dream again. For so long, I dared not dream of anything more than the darkness I was succumbing to. I didn't think I was worthy of the light. But it's not about being worthy. It's about love, and loving the people dearest to you. It's about finding it in all the places you never thought to check. Love is real. I had spent all my time avoiding it, thinking it wasn't for me, but the reality is that love pushes down walls and finds a way. To live is to love.

I'm no where near healthy just yet. I'm a walking ball of anxiety and dread and fear. I'm scared. I'm really scared. But I believe again that I can love. And I wish the very same for you, Miliana. Despite your pain, I hope love will come through for you.

I'm here if you ever want to talk.

I wish you all my best.

 

[babyraggydolls]

I don't think I tell many people this...

But... I guess I often fantasize about dying.

I don't see much value in my life. I genuinely don't. I feel as though I have always been born with a hole. A hole in my brain or something. I have always been depressed since I was a child. Struggled with significant self harm. Struggled with significant suicidal ideation since I was a child.

Medications have never helped for long.

I am plagued with chronic loneliness. Don't tell me to log off social media. I am a ghost in real life. It just... pains me to interact in person with people. It drains my energy. Makes me feel like less than. I just... I feel like I'm putting up a front around people. Like i have to act happy and energetic because that's what makes people happy and energetic. Being around a depressed person is the same as... being around a void.

I am not going to kill myself. I have no means. I am a coward who can't.

But I see very very very little in life. I see myself as someone that is meant to be... abused and used. I want to... I want to disappear. I want to disappear. I don't care if people believe that I have value. Men want me for sex. I know that's why people like my pictures. I know that's why people here in this community want me. I'm a girl.

Women like me as a whipping girl. Why else would my mother and sister do that to me? Women know I"m damaged and stay away. They run away. They know I'm bad. They think of me as weird. Unusual. Stupid. All these kinds of things.

Why should I see any value in myself? Why should I continue on when my body and mind are hurting. My body and mind are hurting and nothing helps me. I am tired of being told that I just need to sleep. That I just need to eat healthy. That I just need to exercise. I've done it all. It has never filled the void of loneliness. It has never solved my long standing self hatred. It has never made me feel... good long term.

Why do I keep fighting? I don't know. A part of me just wants to make a living selling my body. At least that's something that's real.

Don't tell me to go find a religion. Where has there been a God to find me? Where has there been a God who has told my parents and sister to give me mercy? Where was he to protect me from those older men? Where has he been?

So... I just fantasize. I wait. I don't mind if something bad happens to me. If it does, then I accept it. My friends can't fill the void. They have... scratched it.

It's just too much. It's too much for me. So... I choose to wait. I choose to live like an automaton and wait. I wait until the world finally takes my life and I welcome that day.

I’m not going to tell you to find religion I’ve had that done enough to me by all walks of life and it’s not helpful.

I struggle too, I don’t think there is a day that passes that I don’t feel hopeless and I also want to die and feel suicidal a lot, but I’m trying something different, I am taking cbd flower from the internet and it’s helped relax me, take away my arthritis pain and lightened my mood and I’m just n a waiting listen to see a doctors to possibly get weed instead of cbd to see if that helps me since it’s legal here in the uk, until then I had no hope really I’m a girl also and get harassed and bashed a lot especially online on social media.

I struggle to see a point to life but I’ve been told we all have a purpose in life, mine I don’t know what my purpose is other than to stand up for what I believe in, do things I try not I enjoy and survive, I know I’m not alone in my struggles, neither are you and talking about things helps.

I believe what they said in a tv show I watch that life is pain. But having said that it can be enjoyable even if it’s in the moment. I pour most of my energy in to music, movies or drawing and little things that bring me joy.

 

[PadPhilosopher]

Wow. My heart breaks for you. You have suffered so much. No one should have to endure endless abuse like that, but you did. Sadly, many people are indifferent to how they hurt others, and it seems that in your life it's been most of them.

I'm reminded by your story of someone I know locally. She was sexually molested by her "father" as a toddler, sold for drugs by her step father as a tween, and has had more than one abusive adult relationship with men. I was shocked to learn that she had been so ill used, because she is so ok now. I said I was sorry she had to endure that, and she said, "I'm a survivor, not a victim." I love that attitude. She found reasons to keep going, and she's around 40 now.

You are a girl. Girls are meant to be cherished, protected, and loved, not used as a sump for venting spite or a toy to gratify desire. There are still people who know this, and live it. Surely you'll find someone, maybe several someones, who live this, and will show you what it is to be appreciated for yourself, not used for what you can do. Please don't sell yourself; you will make yourself feel that much more used and discarded. You are worth more than that; so much more.

I don't have a quick, easy solution for you, but I assure you that there are good people in the world. Hang on, believe in your worth, keep hoping, and someone kind will find you--maybe soon.

 

[dogboy]

It amazes me and makes me sad to realize how many people there are who are sad, lonely, depressed, deal with anxiety, etc. I see comments to this in the hundreds of memes and jokes on You Tube. There are so many comments made by people who hate their job, hate getting up in the morning and would rather stay in bed and not face an uncaring world.

Having lived 76 years, I've seen big changes in our society. As a kid, I grew up in the old houses with porches where everyone knew their neighbors and socialized with each other. We'd have cookouts and picnics with our neighbors and friends. As a kid, I had many neighborhood friends and we were usually outside playing. We were face to face with each other, sharing experiences, likes and dislikes, what we saw on TV the night before, etc.

Now, we are an isolated people, myself included. I don't know any of my neighbors. When my wife died, I only heard from one set of friends and they were wonderful. But as a church music director and staff member of a church, I heard from none of them. This is the world we live in. People stay indoors glued to their smartphones, there screens, wide screen TVs.

In another thread I said that us older people are becoming forgotten, but I think it's true for most age groups. We get up early, go to work, come home, have a drink or toke a joint and go to bed. No wonder so many people are depressed.

So you are not alone. We are legion. I talk about this with my therapist all the time and he encourages me to get out of the house and join groups, but what groups? Life is simply hard. I had a health scare a month ago where my throat closed off and I could breath at all. I was becoming dizzy, getting close to passing out. My first thought was, "so this is how I die". My second thought was to let it happen because I have been ready to pass. I miss my wife. But my third thought was, "please God, help me," and I was able to take a small breath.

I wish I had a solution for you and for everyone else but this is the world we live in. I'm glad I have my part time job and I feel blessed that I love music because it gives me something to do, but when I leave this life, I'll be ready. There are so many of us. We are legion.

 

[PetahPetah]

Hugs to all! Been there. Picked on throughout school years. In 2023 i made 2 tries. For me, making music helps! And, hospitals just dont get good diapers.
Never was really into Religions, as so many are exclusive, say they're the only one that's Right! Well, the space people channeling messages said, your purpose is Passion! Do what excites you! Be more the Real YOU.
Try coloring?

 

[Edgewater]

I am one of those that see my life as a glass far more that 75% full and even though I have had more than enough live events to change that view, I just keep waking-up, honestly happy for yet another day. I have seen the dark days and enlighten days of being a practicing Catholic. I have also severed my Country with Honor and have been spat-upon when I arrived home by socially enlighten individuals. And, far more things that should have stolen my joy of life. But, I choose to enjoy life.

So, why should I say these things when you are clearly seeing life from 180 degrees from my vantage point. With hope, a picture of what is possible! But as others have said, It is your choice and it starts with you choosing to change your life. You have to see a reason even if you create one.