brownted21 said:
The only person that knows about me is my wife and she found out by accident ( which I know understand was a massive mistake and I should have told her earlier).
It was very hard at the time and one of the comments i got at the time was " I wish I had caught you cheating instead at least I could leave you then" [emoji22]. This broke my hart and still hurts to this day .
We worked though it and she is at least tolerant now.
I wish some times i could stop so i could be the man she wants me to be but have tryed meny times.[emoji22]
Basically be very very careful who you tell.
And you are right significant others should be told. As them finding out by accident can be so damaging.
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Sorry to hear about what happened to. It's not anyone place to say anything, but as a stranger I feel like maybe this is useful for you...
If not I appologize for not respecting your boundaries.
I think that what she said still hurts because it was truthful. The fact that it still stings is indicative of you not receiving enough repentance for the comment she made. For what it's worth, a comment like that, at all, in my personal opinion, is too disrespectful towards you to have any resolution that includes staying together. If a partner said that to me, I'd be gone. I would have to because those are some serious words she said. It's the unilateral equivalent of i don't love you anymore because of this, but because my "image" as a "good person" would be ruined if I left you, I won't leave you.
It stings probably because your gut is telling you the truth. And it's screaming at you do take care of yourself, and develop healthy boundaries.
What she said, in my opinion, is more hurtful than a bullet. It hurts. Too much to recover a relationship from. Those words betray her promise to you and her when you and her kissed at the altar. They are morally cruel.
Your worth it. And I wanted to say, if you ever do decide to leave that person, only you are the final judge of your morality. Not your mom. Your dad. Friends. Whoever, and literally noone but you gets to decide what makes you feel like you did the right thing. I say this, because this scenario screams at me the same way I witnessed my parent break up after a long 13 years of being together for the wrong reason. I heard these words in a different context, from both of them.
"Stay together for the kids" is not an appropriate reason to continue a relationship. As a matter of fact, kids are intuitive. I knew since I was 6 something was off. And I wasn't even remotely surprised at 13 after all the shit I saw. It was all over a silly "image" that they think is supposed to matter to family and friends. Your community should NEVER hold you morally accountable for making a decision that is healthy for yourself. And if they do. Well. Actions speak louder than words.
The only person that you can ACTUALLY rely on till the day your 6 feet under is yourself.
I may be completely off base on this, but I feel like it's worth throwing it out there. In case I am right...
What your wife said, is not right. It's literally narcissism unmasked. I know because I have fallen victim to narcissism and manipulation, and it took me till later adulthood to figure out. And it wasn't fun.
Comments like that hurt, because those are not normal things to say when you actually care about someone. I know even if I had a partner if they told me they were a murderer, my first response isn't to say something that hurtful. I would inquire and question them. But to immediately lash out with that kind of degrading and disrespectful comment. That's a lot. To form those words at all, there was a degree of intent. That I'm very sure of. And that intent is what you sensed at the time, and still remember. Because how could there not be any intent behind words like those? If I were right about all this, I'd bet money she would have made excuses as to why she reacted that way. And said I didn't mean it. "Hearing something like that would make most people react the way I did" " I just had to process it properly, and now that I have, I didn't mean it"
When you care about someone, be it a friend even, you don't say shit this deep. Hell, I didn't even say anything nasty to my friend of 8 years I had to cut ties with forcefully last year, because even if someone's being a narcissist, i still loved and respected what i loved and respected about them. That doesn't get erased because there's a part of someone you didn't know when you formulates those feelings. That doesn't just blink out of existence. Because my ex-friend IS still wickedly smart, and very funny, a lot of fun to spend time with. The only difference between them and now, is i realized I cannot cope with his downsides, that comes with EVERY friendship. His downsides where an extreme level of narcissism, that nearly drove me insane, but I learned alot about myself, and how to find my direction and happiness in life. He was a part of my life, that will never change. But there's 8 billion people in the world. And just because you legally married someone, does not actually mean jack shit when it comes to your agency as an individual. The world isn't going to end if someone leaves a partner. But most people I think look at it in that light. And I understand why.
With that all said. You are the one who chooses what bothers you, not me. And if you are happy. Then my comment wasn't needed, and I'm genuinely happy that you are happy.
Regards, a worried dude.