Understanding the ABDL struggle

[Traveler]

To me, a "cure" for an ABDL kink falls in the same category as a "cure" for homosexuality. Frankly, the very thought gives me the chills.

Agreed. I've become so much more laid back and relaxed since I've accepted that it's always going to be there. I try to make it very clear to my wife that it will never go away, and she is very accepting. The more we talk about it on forums like this, and the more people like us find these forums where we're talking openly about it, the less stress it will continue to cause. After all, this website literally has Support Community right in the name.

 

[BobbiSueEllen]

Not long ago, someone said that their observation was that neurodivergence flourishes in LGBTQIA. Oddly enough, it does in AB/DL, too. Plus, this Sunday, my fellow autie roomie and I were discussing that over tacos & flan...and it turns out that neurodivergence is turning out to be the source of the world's culture-shift. I'm more content being me now--an autie-baby adult-person in diapers with a fully-equipped baby's bedroom--than I would being a neurotypical.

I used to pray, to beg to fit in...and now, I do: apart from the Muggles. And the internet plays a massive part in that. It brought us all together, unified us. Made a community. Today, I cannot believe I actually wanted to be a Muggle once...

 

[Freefinallydone]

This thread should be front and center of every ABDL site, every ABDL should read this.

As someone who is younger, all of these insights have been a huge help. Especially since I have almost always held back from taking it one more step in a relationship, or even just asking someone out, all because I dread having the ABDL conversation.

But, end of the day, we all only have one life, and deal with the hands we've been given!

 

[googlyeyes467]

So please bare with me this might just come over as a rant than a question.

So I’m sure I’m not the only one and there will be similar posts however I just need to vent.

ABDL has been with me since I was little, I’m sure it was to cope with something and gave me a sense of safety and comfort. But like most there’s always the internal struggle. As each year goes past, I say to myself right this is the last year and then that’s it I leave this all behind me. Yet even now I’m looking at some ABU little kings/alphagators knowing I haven’t tried them and want to see what they’re like. Another new product will come out and even if I’ve gone to stop I can’t help but want to get the new thing and enjoy that once again. I was on here years ago and came off searching for that “normal” life (if that even exists) yet I came back for the support knowing I’m not the only one.

Now my struggle is I can’t open up to a partner about this, I panic and can’t see a way to approach the subject, the risk is to high, even with the success stories I read. So I stay hidden and indulge when I can.

As the years go by my options feel limited, quit and leave this all behind knowing it may never go but lead the regular life OR live as the only person I know as ABDL, search for that possibility of acceptance and indulge as I please, maybe even find that person who does accept (who knows it could be current), maybe even a friend who understands.

How does everyone cope with their internal struggles? Has anyone ever just said that’s it and left?

I think a lot of it (not all of it) comes down to normalizing it for yourself. The truth is ABDL tendencies are inherent in many types of all people seemingly all across the world. I think of it like woodworking or miniatures as an interest or hobby. Some people just really like working with wood as a material or building miniature settings and these types of people are everywhere.

Spending time on this site really helps with normalization. You realize there are tons of normal, happy people everywhere that are into this. Podcasts like Love in Brief and books on the subject also help.

Normalizing it for myself really helped calm my nerves so that when I spoke to my partner it was way less of a big deal for me and consequently less of a big deal for them. It helps not to freak them out.

For further normalization if you want to talk feel free to reach out! ABDL is just one aspect of who I am, not all of it.

 

[Biglittledip]

I just want to thank everyone for the responses. I wanted to take the time to see the responses but never thought I’d get such a response to which I am very grateful. I have taken my time to read through each reply and they all give me a sense of comfort knowing that there are people out there who find a sense of calm.

I guess as the years go by I worry about getting to the point where the societal expectation of a committed partner, house and family becomes the norm around you. You see friends all heading the same way and wonder how does being ABDL fit in to all this. This just leads to another round of being in that struggle to accepting this is you and this is part of you. The “normality” of those around and not knowing anyone (as a physical person) who is ABDL, leads you to question that part of you and whether being alone is the option or burying this part of you, leading to an internal struggle is the way forward.

But being on the support group and being able to see that others continue through life like anyone else would, brings me comfort. I know that things don’t change at a flick of a switch, but reading others support may just be the small steps that start me there. The struggle continues but I will still be here reading the responses and trying to figure it out

 

[TabaCrate]

ABDL since ever, I'm also an recognized professional with a strong career and good income. I'm married since decades, got a bunch of kids all heathy and adults, acquired a big house with a big piece of land, will be retired soon with no worry about money.

On the other side, my life has also been full of challenges and without my "little" side, I'm unsure that I would have been strong enough to survive some very difficult times. It really helped me to cope with the dark side of humanity.

This is just to show you that ABDL and "classic" life aren't incompatible. It probably made me stronger!

 

[Angelapinks]

So please bare with me this might just come over as a rant than a question.

So I’m sure I’m not the only one and there will be similar posts however I just need to vent.

ABDL has been with me since I was little, I’m sure it was to cope with something and gave me a sense of safety and comfort. But like most there’s always the internal struggle. As each year goes past, I say to myself right this is the last year and then that’s it I leave this all behind me. Yet even now I’m looking at some ABU little kings/alphagators knowing I haven’t tried them and want to see what they’re like. Another new product will come out and even if I’ve gone to stop I can’t help but want to get the new thing and enjoy that once again. I was on here years ago and came off searching for that “normal” life (if that even exists) yet I came back for the support knowing I’m not the only one.

Now my struggle is I can’t open up to a partner about this, I panic and can’t see a way to approach the subject, the risk is to high, even with the success stories I read. So I stay hidden and indulge when I can.

As the years go by my options feel limited, quit and leave this all behind knowing it may never go but lead the regular life OR live as the only person I know as ABDL, search for that possibility of acceptance and indulge as I please, maybe even find that person who does accept (who knows it could be current), maybe even a friend who understands.

How does everyone cope with their internal struggles? Has anyone ever just said that’s it and left?

Sadly the urge never seems to go away so you either hide it or try to explain it in terms that don't seem perverted or creepy. It is always with us like we don't really have a choice otherwise it will drive us mad. ( just my experience)

 

[BobbiSueEllen]

Sadly the urge never seems to go away so you either hide it or try to explain it in terms that don't seem perverted or creepy. It is always with us like we don't really have a choice otherwise it will drive us mad. ( just my experience)

I second this. I had come to that precipice myself: accept it or go insane. Oddly enough, it was because of my autism, with which I had a precipice moment of its own: accept it or go insane.

What else could I do? And suicide was a tragic option, one I struggle with occasionally. So...I chose. Here I am.

 

[LittleAcorn]

If you feel comfortable about telling us, I would very much like to know how things turned out when you told your partner. Maybe some of us could learn from your experiences. Or maybe I'm just curious...

Sure, I'm happy to share. Like I said in my post, there was a sudden change in my ABDL acceptance within a few weeks of switching from zoloft to prozac. What's super weird to me and I still don't fully understand is why that happened with prozac and not zoloft, when zoloft was also effective for my depression. That's probably a topic for another thread, though.

Looking back over messages here it looks like I told my wife a couple years after that, not a couple months like I originally stated. So it took a fair amount of time for me to do that. Looking back, I should have done it sooner.

If I recall, she had brought up adult diapers in some topic - I forget exactly what. I thought she knew and that was a hint that she knew. I had been planning to tell her anyway, so eventually I just did. I said I had a strange interest kind of related to sex, and that it was wearing diapers - ABDL, or at least the DL part was partially a sexual interest for me (interestingly it's less so now, but I almost want to wear them more now). Previously we had talked about non-vanilla sex, and she was fine with that and even into a few things herself, so intellectually I knew it would probably be fine, but that's different than knowing it will be fine.

She did ask why it took me so long to tell her, which is a fair question. I was honest, said there was still some shame involved with it, and that I needed a little time to sort out the feelings myself after decades of trying to suppress them. She understood that. She also asked why I was into diapers. I was honest and said I had no idea, but there were a few things I remembered from my childhood about diapers, but that maybe I remembered them because I was already interested in diapers, so who knows?

After that we went to the store that day and I bought diapers. I think seeing how nervous I was doing that helped her realize how difficult it was for me.

One thing I thought about before telling her, and that is a useful exercise, is to think about what would happen if the roles were reversed? Suppose you are into diapers, and have a partner who doesn't know that. How would you react if your partner said they were into (looking at wikipedia here for some random suggestions) spanking, or rope bondage, or being handcuffed, or a specific form of role play, etc? It's important for this that you don't have super strong feelings about it, either positive or negative. I'd be willing to try most things, subject to a few limits (e.g. exhibitionism or doing things in public is a turn off for me, so probably not interested in that). That might help inform how such a conversation with your partner might go.

This got longer than I meant, so I'll stop. I'm happy to explain more, either in this thread or via PM if anyone wants to message me.

 

[bigdawg]

I have been exactly in the place you are describing, it’s a tough spot mentally. But I can look back and honestly say I’ve made it out. The first person I told was an old gf and I really didn’t do it in the right way, I cringe thinking about it now. I waited several years to tell her and I beat around the bush with it for weeks before I finally told her I liked diapers, but I added a bunch of other stuff with it trying to mask that diapers were the main focus I guess. She tried to be understanding and even tried to participate one time but it ended in tears, I assume because she really wanted to do it for me but couldn’t bring herself to actually do it. We ended up breaking up several months later for different reasons although I suspect it had to have something to do with it. I went through a long healing process after the breakup and abstained from diapers for almost the entire time I was single because I didn’t want it to affect another relationship. Once I was truly content with being single I started indulging this side of myself again, Then eventually just like everyone else I met another girl. This time I made it a point to tell her very early on in the relationship. I basically waited a few months to make sure the relationship was serious enough to trust her with my deepest secret. I didn’t beat around the bush too much and I didn’t add anything additional. I basically told her one night I like to wear diapers and she asked a few questions. I did my best to answer all of her questions honestly and I told her I would absolutely love it she wanted to participate but I was perfectly content if she didn’t. But I made it clear that diapers are a small part of me that won’t go away and she’d need to be ok with that for the relationship to work. She accepted me and even asked to participate several days later. We started with baby steps and worked up from there. She is 100% vanilla but has grown to enjoy diapers as a part of our sex life occasionally. It has worked out better than I could have ever wished for. We are now married with kids. I think it’s important to indulge this part of you but like anything you must have balance. It can’t consume you and become your identity. I live a normal life with a normal job and probably more “normal” hobbies and interests than most people do. I’m big into outdoors, hunting , camping, fishing, I weld, I build, I’m pretty skilled at a lot of different things. Nobody would ever guess that I also like to wear diapers in my spare time! There is hope man, just be honest with yourself and in your future relationship(s) it will eventually work out!

 

[Angelapinks]

I second this. I had come to that precipice myself: accept it or go insane. Oddly enough, it was because of my autism, with which I had a precipice moment of its own: accept it or go insane.

What else could I do? And suicide was a tragic option, one I struggle with occasionally. So...I chose. Here I am.

Glad you are here contributing to this site.

 

[foxkits]

This is no different than we do things. To feel ok some spend money. Or some eat .chew nails.
We are all imprinted some way.
Some have mental things they do.
Most do no know why.
So what ever the need it's ingrained into what is you . Remember you spent 3 or some years in diapers.
They felt good to be charged.
You had one on one mommy time it was pleasant. You don't think some part of your body remembers those feelings. I'm Shure it's a chemical memorie. Things that feel good we remember. As much as when you get hurt you remember as not to get hurt. No everyone remembers there first sexual release. Rest is history.
For some it's not sexual.

 

[dogboy]

Like so many others here, I knew by the age of 4 that I wanted to be back in diapers. All through my childhood I would look at pictures of diapers, see diapers on clothes lines and which I could take a diaper and wear it. These feelings never go away. I was many years into my marriage before I told my wife. Fortunately, she was very accepting.

It is possible to find a partner who will accept you even when that acceptance includes diaper wearing. But you do have to put it out there. I was very embarrassed and upset when I told my wife because it was something I kept hidden from everyone my entire life. It even took 5 years before I told my therapist.

The desire to wear diapers never goes away for me. I'm only sorry I didn't tell my wife sooner. Yes, some people will reject us but do you want a relationship with that type of person? I married my wife for a reason and it was because I knew she was a very special and incredible person. I think she thought the same of me and that's what makes a lasting relationship.

 

[BobbiSueEllen]

You had one on one mommy time it was pleasant. You don't think some part of your body remembers those feelings. I'm Shure it's a chemical memorie. Things that feel good we remember. As much as when you get hurt you remember as not to get hurt. No everyone remembers there first sexual release. Rest is history.
For some it's not sexual.

You know, if the late Dr. Freud heard you say that, he'd accuse you of being "ambivalent", a term he'd heard coined by Dr. Bleuler...and sorta loathed (both the term and Bleuler). And then he'd probably cringe, LOL.

 

[Seug]

so that when I spoke to my partner it was way less of a big deal for me and consequently less of a big deal for them. It helps not to freak them out.

I have been thinking this, I think framing is key. If you frame it as some sort of horrible incurable disease and perversion, they will treat it like that and also freak out and worry about it. On the flip side, don't treat it like it is normal, then they might worry about your self awareness, there is probably a balance.

I basically told her one night I like to wear diapers and she asked a few questions.

Is this how you framed it? Seems like a good way to do it. I ran into the problem I would frame it as "I have a diaper fetish", which makes it sound both like a disease (I have something), and that it is 100% sexual. I think framing it as a "like" makes the most sense.

 

[LittleAcorn]

I have been thinking this, I think framing is key. If you frame it as some sort of horrible incurable disease and perversion, they will treat it like that and also freak out and worry about it. On the flip side, don't treat it like it is normal, then they might worry about your self awareness, there is probably a balance.

This is a very good point. It doesn't have to be a binary choice though - when I told my wife I said it was something I was into but that I struggled with. It's fine (and even good) to admit the is shame and struggle about. I guess honesty is probably the best approach, which makes sense.

 

[foxkits]

After you tell her if she is accepting.
Don't go overboard.
It's shocking enough for a person not exposed to our lifestyle.
Let her take the lead.
Because it's the two of you.
A lot of ab/dls wear to much.
Or push this on there partner to the point of them rejecting it a few weeks later go slow.
Commutation is the key.
I'm Shure others can suggest some great books or articles that will be helpful. Most mental health professionals want to help you cope with the guilt. That your fine and not a predator. Witch is what most think that's not the case.

 

[Neroforte]

I'm more in DL side and incontinence side because got both but yeah confort and reassurance. Feeling you gonna run out its hard one but yeah accepting who we are is step one. Make understand other when we in couple thst also love on both side couple suppose to help each others.

 

[foxkits]

You know, if the late Dr. Freud heard you say that, he'd accuse you of being "ambivalent", a term he'd heard coined by Dr. Bleuler...and sorta loathed (both the term and Bleuler). And then he'd probably cringe, LOL.

Then we need to have stuck him in a diaper for a month or so.
Lol I don't care what he thought.
He's wasn't always right.

 

[BobbiSueEllen]

[Freud] wasn't always right.

In my opinion, I think he hardly ever was. He may have been among the first pioneers in head-shrinking but a prototype always needs loads of improving. I think Freud was a fraud, from saying "all we do is linked to sex" right on down to blaming mother for everything. Playing marbles with brain matter...what a dodo.